It's all good

So this morning, in accordance with the 'Hardass Bitch' school of parenting I now fully embrace, I left for work and told my slacker daughter she had to get her late, sleeping-in sorry ass on to the bus and go to school.
May I remind you we live in the murder capital of our state.
I told my son he had to get up and take her to the bus stop.
May I also mention she has Important Testing at school all this week first thing in the morning.
The good thing is I didn't care and I was fine with my actions, so much so that I got to work and immediately got out my car locking it behind me with my purse and keys still in it. Because this is something I do on a regular basis when particularly stressed or tired, I have my own wire coathanger twisted to form a ghetto 'slimjim' in the school supply closet. (Last time a coworker had to drive up to the deli where I was picking up lunch and break into my car with aforementioned wire coathanger in the pouring rain).
I learn from my mistakes though, because I am evolved. After that last experience, I made three copies of my car key and I bought a magnet box which attaches to the underside of your car and contains a spare key for just this very type of occasion.
I was impressed with myself until I retrieved the box, opened it, and discovered I had forgotten to put a spare key in it.
Good thing I have my own wire coathanger in the school supply closet.
She was an hour late to school, missed her test.

Immobility

Can you get Deep Vein Thrombosis from sitting around in your car for hours and hours waiting for your kids to be done with their neverending parade of activities?

The Day Before Payday

Creative accounting: paying for coffee and chocolate with my Health Savings Account card "because I use them medicinally to stay functional in my everyday life"....

Priceless.

Cost of hotel room in the city, in which teenagers will party: $103 (plus possible jail sentence...)
Cost of Justin Fucking Bieber tickets for tween's first concert: $180 (plus near heart attack)
Working 12-14 hours a day so that "my kids can have what the other kids have": DUMB

Older by the minute.

There's nothing like coming home to one of your children having sex with his girlfriend. Surprise!
So that's why he didn't answer my texts.

Sporty Spice

I went to Granny aerobics this weekend. There was a different teacher this week; the seventy year old had a pinched nerve, so we had the 400lb teacher instead. Whilst I did not find her inspirational, I did feel like Kate Moss compared to her. In fact I started looking around for my fake tan and one of my assistants with a glass bottle of mineral water...it's so hard to get good help these days...
In the middle of the class the teacher left (to eat a donut?) to teach a different class (how rude!) and told us to "keep going by yourselves, you can do it!"
Let me tell you, I did not get to where I am today by being a self-motivated, self-starting exerciser.
If I could exercise by myself, why would I bother coming to granny water aerobics at 8.30am on a Saturday morning? More to the point, if I keep coming will I, in fact, reach 400lbs?
I didn't get out the pool because everyone else stayed and continued exercising, so I was embarrassed to be the only one to leave. I faked jogging in place ('fake jogging in place' also known as 'floating in place'), and looked around the pool and was amazed to find that while I have been hanging out in the Old and Obese section of the pool, there is a Master's swim class going on right behind me with handsome fit men as far as the eye can see! (Next time I'll wear my glasses to scientifically verify the previous statement).
So I'm assuming that as the pool is a weightless environment, I look pretty hot and I could probably work out in heels-you know, swim pumps...

Spring cleaning/growing

This weekend there was no work for me at the spa, so my body used the time to be sick and tired with a miserable cold. I woke up on Saturday morning to notice mushrooms growing in the corner of my kitchen; yet another testament to my natural gardening abilities. I took pictures of them, and tried to post them on facebook, but needless to say my technical skills do not match my domestic skills. It took me the whole day to clean up the kitchen, what with being sick, tired, and finding cleaning really boring in general.