Free willy

We have a kid in our classroom who's a ninja.
I'm not even kidding-he's stealthy, silent, and he can escape and steal things right in front of a staff of five undetected. Last week in the game room he pulled a family-sized bottle of mustard out of his crotch that he had stolen from our fridge in the classroom possibly hours before. ( And he was wearing skinny jeans. Don't ask, because I just don't know.) Another time one of the staff ordered a pizza and when it arrived he couldn't find his $15. Eventually L pulled $5 out of his armpit, and we discovered he had torn the $10 into tiny tiny pieces and thrown it in the trash-and we had all been sitting right there the whole time.
I did wonder if L in fact possesed a cloak of invisibility. I kept that theory to myself.
One morning he came to school with random pairs of boxer shorts secreted about his person. When he started pulling them out, T, who lives in the same group home as L, said " Hey that's my chonies!"
Yesterday, S accompanied L to the bathroom, but didn't watch L close enough (probably because S's girlfriend works in the classroom next to the bathrooms). When L came out, he had shredded his boxer shorts and was wearing them over his jeans like a grass skirt. ( We made L dance the hula when he came back to class).
Today we thought we saw him steal something-we saw the hand go into the crotch, the hiding place of choice. Staff members B and S stood over him and said "L! Take it out! Take it out right now!" L covered his face and shrieked like a girl. This is completely typical for him.
"L-take it out RIGHT NOW!" said B. She already had gloves on because trust me, once it's been down there you don't want to touch it.
Well all I'll say is this. L did eventually get 'it' out, B and S got a good look at it, and sadly he hadn't actually stolen anything.

Happy Birthday Charles

What the hell am I doing in a country where 50% of the population doesn't believe in evolution? Is this a reflection on how skewed and unreliable statistics are, or is this really the land of the intellectually-impaired?

Those who can't, teach

The school where I work is Special.
A couple of weeks ago I was going back to class and my classroom teacher was walking towards me with one of our students, C. When i passed by them in the hallway C grabbed me by the throat and tried to punch me in the face. Actually his fist made contact with my face but it didn't really hurt ( he didn't have his full force behind it).
Today I spent two hours barricading the door of our classroom with my foot and my body, trying to keep a raging C outside in the hallway with another staff member, as other members of our classroom team kept the classroom going as if nothing was happening. C attacked three staff members today, the first one just minutes after getting off the big yellow bus this morning. Another one of our kids, T, had a melt down, threw his desk over and had to be proned on the floor by three staff. ( This is why our staff ratios are so high). After going to the break area he banged the wall, spat and swore like a drunk,mad sailor. "You fuckin fat ass bitch n*****" ad nauseum.
Earlier I helped a 26 year old teacher from another classroom prone an eight year old boy with blue eyes, sandy hair and the face of an angel who told us " I'm gonna fuck you up you fuckin bitches" while trying to head butt, kick, and spit at both of us in turn. When we got him down to the ground, he banged his head and started to cry, like the child that he really is. It made me sad.
Then I found out he told everyone he'd been proned by two old ladies-dude I'm the same age as LL Cool J or Demi Moore-and the other teacher is only 26!
(Actually I still feel kind of sad for him, truth be told).
I can't help thinking that a job like this should pay enough to live on, so that i'd only need the one job instead of the four, so that I wouldn't have to go from a day like that to doing massages at the spa when my foot is aching from being wedged against the classroom door resisting a 200lb 19 year old male with MR (mental retardation) who is trying to attack me.

Valentines Day Massacre

I worked at the spa on valetine's day, couples massage, chocolate dipped strawberries, sparkling apple cider, rose petals on the massage tables blah blah blah. Some women came in by themselves, their husbands/boyfriends having bought them a gift of spa treatments. We were pretty busy, overbooked actually, and our receptionist was not doing the greatest job keeping track of the clients. She approached a white-haired lady with strawberries and chocolate and said "Happy valentine's day, this is from your husband he called and ordered this especially for you because he wants your day to be really special". The lady looked extremely surprised, scared even. " How nice" she stammered, "My husband died two years ago".
Messages from beyond the grave are all part of the service ma'am.

Warm heart

Something that makes me happy (for a change) is the trip-hop station at pandora.com. Thanks Paula!
When I was teaching my arts and crafts class to The Old People today, Margo came up to me and took my hands "Thank you so much for the class dear" she said.
" You're welcome Margo- Margo your hands are so cold!" I exclaimed.
She is a diminutive and sweet old lady of 85. " Well you know what they say", she replied;
"Cold hands, cold feet, hot pussy!"

Happy New Year

It's been a long time since I posted anything., due to the economy.
(Actually, due to the fact that I didn't have a computer which really slows you down when you're trying to be a blogger.)
In any case, life goes on sadly.