My day in court

Dragged back to court again by unemployed ex with way too much time on his hands. This time he's suing me for bigamy and fraud. Just another day in my world of naked security guards and students who want to poison me. (That's a story for another day).

I barely make it to the courthouse on time, then I am brutally ejected (not really actually that's a gross exaggeration of the facts) for having a camera in my bag. I have to take the camera back to my car and I had had to park five miles from the courthouse (um, more exaggeration) because of course there was no parking by the time I got there. When I finally get into court I look around for the Spawn of Beelzebub and Satan's Attorney and I don't see them so I think I'm good, but actually they were already before the judge and she was saying something along the lines of "Well if she's not here you can have everything you've ever dreamed of".

The Sheriff graciously ushered me into the Winner's Enclosure so that i could be dragged over the coals by the judge. Why hadn't I paid the $360 filing fee when I had had ample time to pay it? "Because cocaine is expensive bitch" I replied. (In an alternate universe).

"I can pay it right now!" I mumbled; "After all rent is for losers anyway" (OK not the last part).

I go downstairs, have a small apoplectic fit when told I can't use my credit or debit card, it's cash or check only. Let's see; you can track my every move and unpaid filing fee but when it comes to payment you're fucking Amish.

Small crisis with ATM machine which won't dispense cash then changes its mind (and laughs at me behind my back I swear), and back into Hades.

Satan's Attorney starts talking, I'm hearing "Wah wah, wah wah, wah wah". I'm afraid I've been sucked into a Charlie Brown cartoon or that I am taking hallucinogenics. I have palpitations, dry mouth, my legs feel like jello-all the symptoms of LSD but none of the good times...

So the judge says to me something like "Do you agree?" So of course I say "No, I strongly disagree." It's the principal. You know. Then she says "Well were you married before?' and I say "Yes"

"Did you get a divorce?"

"No."

"Well that's bigamy."

When I had mentally rehearsed this next part I was Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde, in my mind I said condescendingly "You Honor I'm sure I don't have to remind you of California Family law code Blah Blah Blah", I was wearing a killer suit and I was able to speak in actual sentences.

The thing about fear is that the adrenaline that races through your body gives you an incredible focus and concentration so I didn't even need my notes I just looked at the judge and said (somewhat sullenly)"What about California Family Law section 2201a which states that if you have not seen or heard from your spouse for five years prior to your subsequent marriage the laws of bigamy do not apply?" (thank you, google).

She looked at me, then pulled out the big 'Law telephone book' from under her special throne. It made me wonder what else she had stashed under there, it could be like Mary Poppins' carpet bag; maybe she had a coat rack, a potted plant, a pair of lilac shoes a magic tape measure and....well anyway, she's turning the pages and she says "I don't see anything in here" -the room starts to spin-"Oh wait this is section 2210.....well.....this does seem to......I think we need to look into this further".
I thought I would feel so vindicated but when she said "Let's have a trial, I'm setting aside two hours on January 25th"....I just thought "WTF?"