Nine lives

My whole house smells like cat pee.
I don't think I can be a crazy cat lady unless my cats use a litter box instead of the floor, kitchen table, dining room table, my clothes or my bed. I think my cats might be possessed by satan. (Oh no wait; according to my ex husband that would be me). I have come up with the following solutions to my dilemma:
1. Taxidermy. I think this might be expensive though.
2. Getting different cats, telling my kids they are the same cats but that they entered the witness protection program so their appearances had to be altered.
3. Getting rid of the cats by dubious, unsavory means and telling my kids "they went to live on a farm in the country".
4 Duct taping maxi-pads onto my cats. I just met a dog yesterday who wears diapers and his owner tells me she uses maxi-pads because they are much cheaper than pet diapers.
5. Bringing my cats into the forest and telling them;  "Go and gather wood and leave a trail of breadcrumbs so that you can find your way back."