Death and taxes

When your mum. dies, that is when you know you are alone in the world.

That is when you realise that your dress rehearsal has become the play; and that despite being middle-aged your childhood is now officially over.
It's too late to wish things were different. It's time to suck it up.

Back in court...again...

I was back in court this morning. (Actually technically it was yesterday morning as it's now 1am). I'm pretty sure I have enough courtroom hours at this point to have de facto passed the bar. I was expecting to be appointed to the bench today, but surprisingly it didn't happen.
After four years of this case dragging on, and on, etc, I made a giant breakthrough today.
I stopped channeling 'Rumpole of the Bailey' when talking in court! I was able to make my point (I hope) without saying things like "Let the record show, your honor, that this was clearly a ploy to besmirch my character!".
Can I just say; 'besmirching one's character', as a turn of phrase, has no place in a California court room. Anyway, I think everyone was relieved that I was speaking in an almost normal way today. When the lawyer of He Who Must Not Be Named called me out of the courtroom to go over their ridiculous proposals, I might have been a little too normal with him, perhaps. Satan's attorney was going over the issues he and his client disagreed with, such as the mediator's proposal that HWMNBN get therapy (because, oh I don't know, he's MENTAL?), and their latest idea; that HWMNBN and I take a coparenting class together and I had to jump in with "Absolutely not-but I know you're going to bring it up in court anyway so you go ahead and knock yourself out. In all the years you've been dragging this out you haven't gotten anything you've asked for yet; but you just keep on trucking."
We went back into court and I was mildly entertained when Satan's Attorney tried to clarify to the judge a point made by his client; namely that our issues were all a result of me being a communist and a socialist. I felt like President Obama trying to pass universal health care.

Exchange

Yesterday our French exchange student returned home. Although she was very sweet I breathed a sigh of relief when she left, because being on one's best behavior for two weeks is tiring, to say nothing of trying to pretend that you keep a clean house.
The first week she was here I'm pretty sure she was homesick. She was quiet and seemed unhappy, and the first weekend she was here she cried sad, silent tears as we went round the grocery store. When I asked her what was wrong she said the cupcake she had eaten didn't agree with her... I asked her friend what was wrong but the friend said she didn't know..I felt bad and I didn't know what to do.
The second week she seemed to cheer up quite a bit as she recovered from the jetlag, and appeared to enjoy herself more. By the time she and her classmates left, she gave the impression that she had had a fun trip.
Today she sent me a friend request on facebook, which I accepted immediately. I was at work and my two classroom staff wanted to see a picture of her, so we looked at some of her pictures. As we scrolled through photos of her in her pool, with her ten horses, in front of one of her parents' convertible mercedes, climbing up the giant wrought iron gates to the driveway of her giant house, my TA Jason said "If I had to come to your house from all that I'd be crying too, I'm not gonna lie..."

Poetry Corner

I was idly trying to chat with a friend on facebook, when I realised I had written a marvellous poem.

hello.

I'm siiting here waiting for meals on wheels to call me back

it's exciting

my life is so glamorous

i'm afraid to go to the loo in case i miss the call

my dad sys he will have his bath once he has digested his lunch.

when will that be?

who knows.

unsolved mystery

How talented I am; I never cease to amaze myself...

Lean cuisine

When I cook someone a meal, and before they've even tasted it they add a tablespoon of salt and two tablespoons of butter, I think "So that's what happened to the E.U Butter Mountain I was always hearing about in the seventies; my dad ate it..."

Letters from the homefront

I made the trip back to the Mother Country to help my poor old mum and dad. Mum is in the hospital, so I have been looking after dear old dad.

This morning I woke up to a bang, a crash and a cry. I raced downstairs to find an overturned chair and dad sprawled on the floor.

"I fell down" my dad said.

"I see" I said, trying to compose my thoughts.

"What time did you get in last night?" said my dad, from the kitchen floor.

"Um, about twelve.."

"Oh that's not so bad then is it? How was the play?" My dad asked. I briefly considered telling my dad about the part in the four hundred year old play where the cast started dancing to Beyonce's 'All the single ladies' but then reality kicked in and I realised he was still on the floor...

"Er, it was alright.....would you like to get up?"

"That's a good idea!"

I picked him up, and the chair, and the milk, and on we went.

The Youth are revolting

Of the many announcements over the loud speaker at school today, this one was my favorite by far:
"Any student found with an explosive device will be arrested, suspended for five days and recommended for expulsion. I repeat, any student found carrying an explosive device will be arrested, suspended for five days and recommended for expulsion."

Because those who can't, are busy diffusing explosives...