Onwards and Upwards.

So I finally got a promotion, now I have my own class of Special Students. I am now the dictator of my own Banana Republic. I'm in charge; what I say, goes.
My classroom is a hideous filthy portable at the back end of a hideous filthy high school in The Back of Beyond. I went to take some cleaning supplies over there as I will be cleaning during my vacation, as well as throwing out random items such as construction cones and confidential medical records pertaining to 15 year old girls and their birth control that have somehow ended up in my room.
When I knocked on the door of the Security Guard's trailer to let him know I was leaving he answered the door naked.
I looked at him and said "I'm leaving now". And then I left.

Healthy passtimes

I'm not saying I think about food all the time, but if you don't drink do drugs or have sex, what else is there to look forwards to?

BOLLOX

Unfuckingbelievable. We were broken into AGAIN. This time the thieves made off with a rich haul including my crappy computer, my ancient stereo (it had a cassette player. I'm not lying.), the second hand x-box I got my kids for christmas, and my $50 dvd player.

This being the second time this has happened (refer to blog posting 'what I did last summer') I've had enough. I waited until 11pm for the police officer to actually come over and view my trashed house, then til 1.30am for the evidence dude to show up with his fluffy make-up brush and special fingerprint tape. He told me he got some good prints, which I am pretty sure are from my kids (watch them storm my house and arrest my kids for robbery...) When you live in the murder capital of your state, robberies already comitted are low on the totem pole.
I decided I would move to a better neighborhood until I was informed by the good folks at ADT home alarm systems Who Protect The White House And Fort Knox that I failed the credit check and so could not purchase an alarm system from them.
If I can't pass a credit check for a $30 a month alarm system, obviously I'm not going to pass any rental credit checks.
At this juncture I'm trying to develop some kind of solar-powered vat of boiling oil which would be always ready to drop from my roof onto any intruder.
It just makes sense.

Getting ready for a party.

This is my philosophy.
Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Anniston who are both Godesses and in my age bracket cannot find a faithful man/any man at all respectively.
I have a heap of smart gorgeous funny female friends with tiny bottoms who are with men much further down the food chain than they are.
SO, all you're getting from me is minimal hygiene, semi-clean clothes, and I'll brush my hair in the car on the way if you're lucky.

A lovely dinner

I was invited to dinner this past weekend. This was exciting for me; it's a well known fact that I don't get out much. The people who invited me have a gorgeous house, the style is 'Rich European Ecclectic Chateau'. I don't know them very well, but I always get invites when a French speaker is needed, and they had a French houseguest so I scored. We dined on lamb, asparagus, carrots , potatoes, homemade lemon ice cream and strawberries. It was delightful.
I received compliments on my son who made a rare appearance (his girlfriend is out of town for a week so he deigned to join us), of course I couldn't simply accept these compliments because i am British, I had to instead point out his many failings. However I tried to look on the bright side when, after cataloging his misdemeanors I finished with "Well I can't really complain-at least he's not drinking or on drugs".
My hosts' oldest is in rehab.
Which I knew.
I'm pretty sure I salvaged the situation when I distracted them by talking about my student who has MRSA The Super Bug That's Highly Contagious and Resistant to Most Antibiotics and his weeping sores.
Like I said; I don't get out much. Now you know why.

It's all good

So this morning, in accordance with the 'Hardass Bitch' school of parenting I now fully embrace, I left for work and told my slacker daughter she had to get her late, sleeping-in sorry ass on to the bus and go to school.
May I remind you we live in the murder capital of our state.
I told my son he had to get up and take her to the bus stop.
May I also mention she has Important Testing at school all this week first thing in the morning.
The good thing is I didn't care and I was fine with my actions, so much so that I got to work and immediately got out my car locking it behind me with my purse and keys still in it. Because this is something I do on a regular basis when particularly stressed or tired, I have my own wire coathanger twisted to form a ghetto 'slimjim' in the school supply closet. (Last time a coworker had to drive up to the deli where I was picking up lunch and break into my car with aforementioned wire coathanger in the pouring rain).
I learn from my mistakes though, because I am evolved. After that last experience, I made three copies of my car key and I bought a magnet box which attaches to the underside of your car and contains a spare key for just this very type of occasion.
I was impressed with myself until I retrieved the box, opened it, and discovered I had forgotten to put a spare key in it.
Good thing I have my own wire coathanger in the school supply closet.
She was an hour late to school, missed her test.

Immobility

Can you get Deep Vein Thrombosis from sitting around in your car for hours and hours waiting for your kids to be done with their neverending parade of activities?