Good night

What a day.
Three restraints, three crying kids, two tried to bite me, one tried to stab me with a pen, another tried to slap me. Had to get a tetanus shot last week for some scratches on my hand that were DEEP not as in meaningful but as in painful. Rushed to turn in grad school application, deadline four days ago, rushed to pick up daughter from school. Came home to surprise visit from psycho Dad ( our court date is this Friday), rushed daughter to soccer practice rushed to grocery store brought daughter home went to do two massages came home going to bed too tired to crack any jokes.

Religious connotations

On the long, silent drive home at 11pm last night, I pondered my relationships with men. I realised that my most succesful and enduring relationships have been with men who are either gay or imaginary.
Then I realised that this effectively makes me a nun.
I am a Plain Clothes Nun. Is that the same as an Undercover Brother?

Cool mom

Let me just tell you-you're never too old for Middle School Shame. Tonight was my daughter's first dance ever, I took her and her friend and walked them in (past the teacher I insulted via email who I now see on a daily basis) because after sitting through an hour and a half of soccer practice I really needed to pee. Her brother is chaperoning the dance as he does not want any boy within 10 feet of his sister (hey, works for me!) so basically my whole family was present when I got stuck in the toilet.
This week was training week at my school, and we had a presentation on child abuse; I believe it is considered a form of abuse when the parent extensively and repeatedly embarrasses the tween/teen in front of their peers...

School Daze

First day of middle school for my daughter. Boohoo they grow up so fast etc etc.Unfortunately she has the same teachers that her brother had- I advised her that even though she carries the Name of Shame she can prove that she is not a juvenile delinquent simply by going to class and doing the homework. Yes my son, it really would have been that simple. Last year after being booted out of his fabulous private high school my son ended up at the Worst High School in the country (possibly the world). Due to all the credits he brought with him, he was able to graduate a year early...except that he FAILED English (he was possibly the only native speaker in the school). So then he had to go to summer school, instead of being a camp counselor and hanging out with college chicks all summer long. He was grounded, obviously, so he told me there were after-school workshops he was attending, like the 9 hour poetry workshop that ran til 8pm...hmmm. Busted, he then tried to cut class to hang out with his friends. I stormed the school SS style, scared the teachers, my son got busted AGAIN, and I kicked him out of the house. He spent his summer living with a Mexican family who loved him, and hitting up his private school friends on the weekends, swimming in their pools, playing basketball on their basketball courts, and then on Mondays being driven to school by his friends in their hybrid vehicles that I could never afford. It wasn't quite the mean streets life lesson I was hoping for, but he passed his class and graduated from high school so I suppose that's the main thing right?
Anyway, I took my daughter to school this morning and you know when you see that teacher that you sent that email to when you were really tired and pissed off and it was quite long and said things like if you don't like teaching maybe you should get another job and if sarcasm and condescension are such great teaching tools maybe I should incorporate them into my own teaching and a bunch of other stuff that you can't quite remember and you realize she's still your kid's teacher and you have to smile at her and say good morning?
Me neither.

The saga continues...

Let me just say; it's hard to focus on cleaning when there are so many important and pressing things that need to be done.
Even though my daughter is covered from head to toe in itchy, painful fleabites, I have priorities. For example, scouring Youtube for videos of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and pondering the break up of his ten year marriage to Dany Garcia has taken up the last two hours alone. Going through everyone's vacation photos on facebook was also quite time consuming, finding the right witty commment accompanied by the correct punctuation...my life is full; my cup overflows, and seriously, why did they break up?-they seemed so happy together.

The Odyssey

As I inched home today (an hour and a half in traffic), in complete silence ( my car stereo was ripped out of my car on saturday night apparently by a small dinosaur or a large wild animal), I had plenty of time to reflect upon the massive Flea Circus that has taken over my house. My cats who were supposed to be my steadfast companions have turned out to be quite dissapointing. They get sick-who knew?- and it costs more to take them to the vet than it does to take my uninsured kids to the doctor. They pee in my bed whenever they get the opportunity. They drag in lizards and parts of birds when I don't give them wet food for a few days. They shit in the litter box and the whole house reeks and now they have brought fleas in, fleas that eat my daughter's legs and belly and make her look like a leper. Extensive research tells me the only way to be rid of the fleas is to clean my house. Heavy sigh. The words I have always lived by; "Housework never killed anyone but why take the risk?" cannot save me. And so begins the epic saga.

What I did this summer, by me.

After three or four quite tedious chocolate/ice cream-themed posts, it's time to record for posterity the highlights of my eventful summer...so far.
I think I'll just say this; Juveniledelinquent/homelessteen
/campdrama/swineflu/bigamy charge
/flight risk/burglary/policeshame
/lostintranslation/brassdoorknobinpants
/ ovariancysts/coloninfection/passing out in Dr's office.
I think that's pretty self-explanatory really.