Make an appointment won't you

I feel like a Katy Perry song. Yes I'm up then I'm down-you know. Whatever. I have a paper to write, I don't have time to sit here chewing the cud with you. I think I'll eat chocolate and then go to bed. That sounds like good plan that will advance my overall life goals quite nicely thank you.

Raindrops on noses and whiskers on kittens

Today I had the inside of my nose waxed, one nostril at a time.
Why?
Why not? I say. It wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be, and when my nostril was plugged up with wax it looked like the nastiest, crustiest snot you ever saw. When the wax was pulled out it looked like a tiny waxy hedgehog.
Tomorrow is Easter sunday and I'm so sick of both my kids that I think I'm going to go and eat all the chocolate I bought for them because they really don't deserve it.
That sounds like an excellent plan; I will waste no more chocolate eating time here.

Another day...

My cats drink my bath water. I choose to think this is because they love and adore me ( not because there are unidentified foreign objects floating in their water dish).
Clutching at straws is both valuable and necessary in these crappy times. Today I had a twelve hour work day, which I began completely exhausted. Needless to say, I finished it even more exhausted and then got to listen to rude harrassing messages from friends and family about how I never pick up the phone.
Let me tell you what I was doing when you called:
a) Getting slapped in the chest (hard)by L, the spitting ninja.
b)Writing a detailed teaching plan the goal of which was to have C participate in any activity for a period of 6 minutes before attacking somebody
c) Explaining the concept of dating to a 14 year old with severe autism. ( Like I know)
d) Doing a massage on a person with extreme gas, and being trapped in the greenish haze of stank for an hour.
Of course that's not all I did today, I'm just covering what I was doing when you were calling leaving me rude messages. After all that, I went to the store and ate a tasty dinner of easter chocolate.

Happy Anniversary Darling!

Wow. It's been a year since I started this pathetic, whiny blog. To my three loyal readers I say 'Thank you !' and " Yes we can!" (?).

Report Card

I'm so sick of you
I want to drill into your teenage head
And put some sense in there
For a change
Your three Fs and a D
Obviously you're trying to kill me
But luckily
For me
You know everything
About everything
And I
Am just
Chopped liver.

A stitch in time saves nine

There's a new sherriff in town.
OK not really; it's still Sherriff Haagen Daz, but there's a new flavor.
A pint of 'five' (ice cream made with only five ingredients) brown sugar flavor, is just the job after one of those days like today when your car begins to smoke profusely as you drive to work, forcing you to pull over and jump out because you think it's about to burst into flames, then you call the tow truck which tows it to the shop who tells you it's no big deal then calls you back to say sorry actually you need a new radiator and do you really want us to fix it because your car is really old and it has 220,000 miles on it and wouldn't you rather look for a new vehicle and you're like well yes but no because I can't afford it so go ahead and fix it and they're like ok and then when you pick it up they show you all the knackered old parts they had to pull off it and they give you the bill and it's $800 and you're like totally fucked.
(Sometimes ice cream is not enough; you need see's candy too).

Free willy

We have a kid in our classroom who's a ninja.
I'm not even kidding-he's stealthy, silent, and he can escape and steal things right in front of a staff of five undetected. Last week in the game room he pulled a family-sized bottle of mustard out of his crotch that he had stolen from our fridge in the classroom possibly hours before. ( And he was wearing skinny jeans. Don't ask, because I just don't know.) Another time one of the staff ordered a pizza and when it arrived he couldn't find his $15. Eventually L pulled $5 out of his armpit, and we discovered he had torn the $10 into tiny tiny pieces and thrown it in the trash-and we had all been sitting right there the whole time.
I did wonder if L in fact possesed a cloak of invisibility. I kept that theory to myself.
One morning he came to school with random pairs of boxer shorts secreted about his person. When he started pulling them out, T, who lives in the same group home as L, said " Hey that's my chonies!"
Yesterday, S accompanied L to the bathroom, but didn't watch L close enough (probably because S's girlfriend works in the classroom next to the bathrooms). When L came out, he had shredded his boxer shorts and was wearing them over his jeans like a grass skirt. ( We made L dance the hula when he came back to class).
Today we thought we saw him steal something-we saw the hand go into the crotch, the hiding place of choice. Staff members B and S stood over him and said "L! Take it out! Take it out right now!" L covered his face and shrieked like a girl. This is completely typical for him.
"L-take it out RIGHT NOW!" said B. She already had gloves on because trust me, once it's been down there you don't want to touch it.
Well all I'll say is this. L did eventually get 'it' out, B and S got a good look at it, and sadly he hadn't actually stolen anything.