Sporty Spice

I went to Granny aerobics this weekend. There was a different teacher this week; the seventy year old had a pinched nerve, so we had the 400lb teacher instead. Whilst I did not find her inspirational, I did feel like Kate Moss compared to her. In fact I started looking around for my fake tan and one of my assistants with a glass bottle of mineral water...it's so hard to get good help these days...
In the middle of the class the teacher left (to eat a donut?) to teach a different class (how rude!) and told us to "keep going by yourselves, you can do it!"
Let me tell you, I did not get to where I am today by being a self-motivated, self-starting exerciser.
If I could exercise by myself, why would I bother coming to granny water aerobics at 8.30am on a Saturday morning? More to the point, if I keep coming will I, in fact, reach 400lbs?
I didn't get out the pool because everyone else stayed and continued exercising, so I was embarrassed to be the only one to leave. I faked jogging in place ('fake jogging in place' also known as 'floating in place'), and looked around the pool and was amazed to find that while I have been hanging out in the Old and Obese section of the pool, there is a Master's swim class going on right behind me with handsome fit men as far as the eye can see! (Next time I'll wear my glasses to scientifically verify the previous statement).
So I'm assuming that as the pool is a weightless environment, I look pretty hot and I could probably work out in heels-you know, swim pumps...

Spring cleaning/growing

This weekend there was no work for me at the spa, so my body used the time to be sick and tired with a miserable cold. I woke up on Saturday morning to notice mushrooms growing in the corner of my kitchen; yet another testament to my natural gardening abilities. I took pictures of them, and tried to post them on facebook, but needless to say my technical skills do not match my domestic skills. It took me the whole day to clean up the kitchen, what with being sick, tired, and finding cleaning really boring in general.

Fitness tips

I went to Granny Water Aerobics yesterday. I've been going for just over a month now, I started with the premise that in order to be the fittest in my age group I had to go somewhere where I would be the only one in my age group.
It's embarrassing getting your butt kicked every week by a bunch of seniors, but whatever.
My elbow had been killing me as I had unwittingly braced myself with it whilst restraining a student a few days ago. There were four of us and one of him, and he is maybe 12 or 13. I laid accross his legs with my full weight and he still managed to move me around, hence the bracing with the elbow thing. (The Granny Aerobics sorted it right out, and it feels fine today). Retard strength is real; I can attest to that and indeed I used some of my own last night when I caught the bouquet at Tony and Tina's wedding and two drunk women tried to snatch it from me. (I picked one of them up off the ground-she was small and old and she shouldn't have tried to steal my fake flowers. She had it coming).

Dude, it's college, seriously.

SO tomorrow my wayward son starts community college. Of course I am unbelievably grateful for the community college system here in the U.S; it's how I got my B.A, and how a teen with a miserable 2.1 GPA still gets a shot at university, but......'Elementary Japanese' and 'Religion, Magic and Witchcraft'?
I can only assume he's preparing for the Hogwarts Semester Abroad program.

Catwoman.

A fish, a gerbil, a rabbit; those are pets. A cat on the other hand, is more like a felony-you get 15-20 years for those.

Christian Inspiration

Given that this is Sunday, I would like to share a spiritual message texted to me recently;

"U r ruining her" [ my daughter's] "future STABILITY as a WOMAN!!!If u continue in ur ways, may GOD punish u accordingly and curse YOU. Clearly ur the abuser."

It's all fun and games until someone gets plagued by locusts.

Saturday Morning

Why does my garage smell like a cat toilet?
Oh wait, I know why.