Thanks but no thanks

You know how the mutant father of your child who's forty years old and  lives with his mother and doesn't work or own a car or a driver's licence because of all those DUIs turns around and tells you that you should learn to live within a budget like him and that you don't know how to manage your money, and you're working four jobs to make ends meet?

Me neither.

support your local library

I went and joined my local library today, just so that I could get the final book in the series of teenage vampire novels I have been reading.

You know you're in the ghetto when the biggest section in the library is automotive manuals.

In spanish.

I found the teen literature section and my book was not there. The librarian told me they didn't have it yet, even though the book came out three weeks ago.

I'm tempted to do what I did with the third book, which was to buy it from Target and then return it the next day after i finished it. ( I really don't need to own the evidence that i spend my spare time reading teenage vampire romance novels).

The second book I read in Barnes and Nobles, and the first one I actually bought on amazon for $6, and then suffered constant ridicule FOR DAYS from my teenage son who had a lot of feedback about my age versus my reading habits.

Today one of the cats peed on my bed, which only added to my deep-rooted conviction that everyone, domestic animal and teenager alike, is conspiring against me.

Indian Giver

Periodically ( i.e, related to my period), I think about moving to India. 

I would live in a beautiful open house, I would have servants to do my laundry, cook and clean for me and I would lead a graceful,  gracious life. How would I support myself? That's a little more hazy, but given that most American jobs have been outsourced to India I could probably get one of those jobs answering the phone for Lands End or LLBean. 

My life would be fabulous and I would eat delicious Indian food everyday that would be prepared for me by my servants who would rip me off behind my back because I'm a westerner but I wouldn't care because my life would still be so cheap. I could have loads of animals and my house would never smell like shit because my servants would take care of it. I could have tons of plants and they would all stay alive because my servants would water them.

 I could single-handedly bring back the empire all over again.

Philosophical reflections

Sometimes the Road Less Travelled seems too far off the beaten path. Sometimes the Road That Leads Straight Into A Pile Of Shit just feels like the right choice for me.

My life as a TV show...

I'm watching a re-run of 'Will and Grace' and I'm so struck by how similar my life is to Grace's. I love that show.


Of course, I'm really fat, have two kids, unsuccessful, broke, old, on my way to Crazy Cat Lady status, and all my gay BFFs are either dead or in longterm committed relationships and living in homes they own... but apart from that the resemblance is absolutely amazing.

Another day at the office...

So my day went like this.

I was practicing job interviews with one of my students;

" Why do you want to work here S?"

"Homer Simpson ate a doughnut"

" How much is a cd?"

"$19,000"

"How much do you want to make a week S?"

"$2"- he seemed pretty ready for the workforce. In the meantime, out of the blue, T ran over to our p.e equipment, grabbed two hard plastic baseball bats and then sprinted over to another student and started beating him windmill-style, before we even had a chance to cross the room and drag him off. Simultaneously, D started ripping the clothes off his body (he eventually went home to the group home wearing only the collar of his tee shirt and pants with one of the pockets torn off).

Actually I saw J tear up his jacket with his teeth on the yard today; he has strong teeth. J's not one of my students but if he is also being groomed for work I think they should train him to pull semi trucks with his teeth and put him up for The Guinness Book of World Records. I think that's just as realistic as having S work in a music store.

So back in the classroom T2 had a tantrum and tried to bite two staff who were trying to make him sit down in his seat.

M was sitting at his desk eating play doh and boogers, he dug in his nose until it was bleeding pretty badly, then he wiped his nose and face with his hand, smearing blood over his whole face and making it look like he had just been in a car wreck.

At this point I can't even remember what our other students were doing, then I was in the bathroom washing M so I missed a chunk of drama while I was out of the classroom.

Luckily for me, I need to work somewhere where there is a high insanity quotient, and obviously this school fits the bill pretty well. If only it paid the bills pretty well.

Cat Lady

When women are single and reach a certain age, and feel lonely and unsatisfied with their lives, they get cats.

This is a universal law known to everyone in the Industrialized West, so in keeping with my new and improved law-abiding persona I recently acquired two kittens from the Crazy Cat Lady on my block.  

When I was in her house/litter box, overwhelmed by the five adult cats, random small dog and the five to ten kittens she has at any given time, I enthusiastically told her " This is great; this is what my life is going to be like when my children leave home!" -because I'm trying to embrace my destiny.

 I was not allowed to choose the kittens, she assigned them to me saying " I guess I could let you have these two.." so in spite of the fact that I only wanted one cat, I came away with two which is OK because I'm obviously heading down that road anyway, so I may as well start as I mean to go on.

As substitutes for other humans in your life I have to say kittens don't contribute to rent or bills and they can't drive or pick up your kids from anywhere, they can't even take a message for you or empty the dishwasher, but this could be because they are babies, I don't know what adult cats are capable of.

As for affection, they jump out of the litter box, run and jump onto my bed, walk accross my forehead leaving grey paw prints and then try to lick the snot out of my nose-at 6am, because they are hungry. From what I can gather, this seems to be exactly like marriage.

My teenage son loves our kittens because, like him, they sleep all day and then party all night. My daughter loves them because they are 'so cute'. 

The kittens work for me because now that I have four jobs and I'm gone all the time and my life sucks just as much as when I had NO job, I feel slightly less guilty about leaving my kids on their own, and on the rare day when I don't have to be somewhere at 8am and I don't want to get out of bed at all, ever again, that snot licking actually gets me moving.