250lb cheerleader

The Youth are revolting

2012-02-02T23:43:00.000-08:00

Of the many announcements over the loud speaker at school today, this one was my favorite by far:
"Any student found with an explosive device will be arrested, suspended for five days and recommended for expulsion. I repeat, any student found carrying an explosive device will be arrested, suspended for five days and recommended for expulsion."

And this, my friends, is why teachers should be paid as much as bomb disposal experts in war zones.

New Year, new life...

2012-01-30T15:17:00.001-08:00

So I took an extended break from my blog, but, after much clamoring from my tens of followers; I'M BACK. Let's just say you can't keep the drama and the nonsense out of my life, so you may as well read about it here.
You all (both) will be thrilled to hear that my marriage was annulled; I am now officially single (apart from the 1984 wedding in New Dehli but let's just let bygones be bygones shall we?).
How my life has changed this past year. I'm down to one cat; the other suffered a heart attack during July 4th celebrations-my neighborhood gives Bosnia a run for its money and the cat thought she was in a war zone and keeled over and died. :(
On the bright side this reduces the possibility that I will one day be knitting sweaters with cat hair, as it's a slow process gathering hair for yarn from just one cat.
My son moved to Oregon, he might be back in June; it's hard to know with his Ever-Changing Plan.
I have to host a French Exchange student next month. I am greatly looking forwards to this as my housekeeping skills are legendary among men, and needless to say my Christmas Tree is still up and twinkling as I write...

Cable news

2011-05-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

Another Saturday night. I'm watching Pirates of The Carribean, just me and the cats. My daughter is in her room reading, what's up with that? Hasn't she ever heard of TV, cable, computers? Technology? What the hell????

I remember this movie; I took my kids to the midnight premiere and fell asleep. How is it that I have 100 channels and everything is so boring?

In the 'free' section on craigslist...

2011-05-10T13:19:00.000-07:00

"My Betta fish, Dalton, needs a home for the Summer and beyond (I'm moving to Canada and I don't think he'll survive the trip). He's named after Patrick Swayze's character from the masterpiece film Road House. Dalton is very easy to take care of, just some food everyday and his water changed every now and then. He comes with food, and other betta/fish supplies. Let me know if you want him!"

Um, really? A masterpiece? A fish named after Patrick Swayze? Canada? Issues on so many levels...

Holiday Spirit

2011-03-16T23:50:00.001-07:00

St Patrick's Day tomorrow. Should I take down the Christmas tree now?

It still has a faint smell of pine and lights are so twinkly....

Birthday Accomplishments

2011-03-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

My son celebrated a birthday yesterday; he is nineteen now. In spite of the fact that he has dropped out of school and has no job I am trying to Always Look on The Bright Side of Life, because I live in America now, where everything is awesome. So, my facebook status yesterday;
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY________, 19 AND STILL WALKING UPRIGHT".
There's always something to celebrate if you look hard enough.

Thought for the day

2011-02-27T15:56:00.000-08:00

When I asked my son what the giant stack of pizza boxes was doing in my kitchen, he replied "It's an art piece I'm completely insulted". I had been gone for five days. He followed this up with "I'm an artist mom. It's the life I'm choosing to lead."
It seems to me that for the vast majority of species on this planet, a male of almost nineteen years old would be reaching the end of his years; an elder and possibly a leader of his herd, pack, whatever.
Only a human male of this age is unable to live alone and look after his most basic needs without significant assistance from domino's pizzas.

Another day...

2011-02-10T21:20:00.000-08:00

It's 9pm, I just took off my boots (finally) and sat down on the couch. I'm having to balance my laptop in one hand and type with the other because both my cats are sitting on me. I'm wondering how I can sew my trousers while the cats are practically wearing them; I'm trapped under the cats now and the DVD remote doesn't turn on the television. (Who knew).

In a recent conversation with my son I said the following; "I didn't give you that money so that you could take your hedgehog on a trip to San Francisco".
Let me just say that when I was a young girl growing up on the mean streets of South East London, I never thought that one day those words would be coming out of my mouth.
Then again I didn't expect my daughter to ask me if, on the weekend, she could go and hang out with a group of boys in a drainage pipe (....a snap-off? Sharks v Jets? A drag car race? John Travolta and Olivia Newton John?). She is supposed to be the voice of reason in our house. I told her she lost me as soon as she said 'group of boys'.....oh the endless joys of parenting.

Tell it to the judge

2011-02-06T22:22:00.000-08:00

Your Honor, I am happy to have my marriage to Mr ___ declared null and void. That marriage was the worst eighteen months of my life and I have no problem with an anullment.

What I DO object to however, is the attempt by Mr ___ to besmirch my character by accusing me of bigamy and fraud. This is a ploy on the part of Mr __ , which he hopes will somehow serve him in our upcoming child custody case. As I showed the court on October 4th 2010, the laws of bigamy do not apply here , pursuant to CFC 2201a. There was no fraud perpetrated on Mr __. He knew I was married, we discussed it; we met with a lawyer and discussed it.

By all means, let us resolve the issue of this marriage today, but let the record show that
I am guilty of neither bigamy nor fraud.

All My Children

2010-11-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

My son, his girlfriend and my daughter launched a surprise attack on me this evening. I was enjoying 'Sharktopus',the classic story of a giant half-shark half-octopus on the rampage through the beachside resorts of Mexico, (though obviously not as epic as 'Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus'; how could it compete with Mega Shark, so big it leapt out of the ocean and ate a commercial airplane, a Giant Octopus and Lorenzo Lamas?), when my son called me in to his room. My daughter was close behind me, and his girlfriend joined us via skype. They wanted to introduce me to the newest member of our family; a hedgehog named Tofu. Tofu was purchased in Seattle, Washington from a professional hedgehog breeder.
(A professional hedgehog breeder?)
My kids, for some reason, thought I would be completely thrilled with the idea of bringing a nocturnal (and illegal) rodent into my already crowded and unhygenic home. They were, in fact, taken aback when I was less than ecstatic. Call me uncharitable, but when your kids can't even put away their clean clothes or walk a dirty cup from the table to the sink, it's hard to imagine them taking care of another living creature when they do such a poor job of looking after themselves.
My son told me he has done extensive research on hedgehog care and that they do not smell, can be potty trained (emphasis on "can be"), are quiet, eat dry catfood, and are 'really cute'. I told them in my country we wrap hedgehogs in clay then bake them. The spines come out into the clay and the hedgehogs are delicious. So I've heard.

Days of Our Lives

2010-10-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

So It's Saturday night, jut me, the cats, some cake, and the only working channel on my TV this evening is Saturday Night Football.
What exactly are you implying?

General Hospital

2010-10-17T11:01:00.001-07:00

You might think that there's nothing funny about going to the ER in an ambulance in a semi-conscious state. Well, you might be right.
I actually called the ambulance myself, barely able to form words but also not able to second guess myself either, as I was in great pain. By the time the paramedics arrived I was no longer able to talk, although I could hear most of what was going on. My daughter answered all the questions including "Is your mom kind of over dramatic?", to which I took great offense, even in my reduced mental state, as it takes a talented hypochondriac indeed to turn green, clammy, nonresponsive and lower one's bloodpressure into the forties. Things were a blur but somehow a team of mules got me on to the guerney and into the ambulance. The only coherent thing I said was to ask where my daughter was; she was riding in the ambulance with the driver. I was unaware until much later in the day that I had become a human pin cushion. Both my hands had tubes, my arm also, my nose had the oxygen tubes like on tv; it was the kind of drama I would have appreciated had I not been practically unconscious. I had been so hot, but when we got to the hospital I was so cold, a woman came to take my blood but couldn't find a vein because I was so cold my blood was trying to stay deep and stay warm.
So my daughter was trying to reach my son, to tell him what's going on and have him come to the hospital. At some point he did in fact show up, I remember him crying and hugging me as i lay in a pool of my own vomit on the hospital bed. I think the first dose of morphine was starting to kick in by then. What the hell? I've never been so sick, it was ridiculous. The most ridiculous part of the whole experience was the hospital staff deciding I was actually fine and I should go home. The second dose of morphine had burned horribly as it went in through my hand but at least I could talk; a nurse came in and said "Oh you're still here?" , to which I replied
"I can't sit up by myself" she said,
"I'll get you a wheelchair, we need the room" and then I was out, done with my high drama hospital experience. My son drove me home and went to get my perscription vicodin. My daughter and I made him buy maxi pads for us, just because we could. When I found out he had, in fact, been home the entire time and had slept through the fire department, ambulance, paramedics, guerney etc, I certainly did not feel bad about his Lady Products Trauma.

My day in court

2010-10-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

Dragged back to court again by unemployed ex with way too much time on his hands. This time he's suing me for bigamy and fraud. Just another day in my world of naked security guards and students who want to poison me. (That's a story for another day).

I barely make it to the courthouse on time, then I am brutally ejected (not really actually that's a gross exaggeration of the facts) for having a camera in my bag. I have to take the camera back to my car and I had had to park five miles from the courthouse (um, more exaggeration) because of course there was no parking by the time I got there. When I finally get into court I look around for the Spawn of Beelzebub and Satan's Attorney and I don't see them so I think I'm good, but actually they were already before the judge and she was saying something along the lines of "Well if she's not here you can have everything you've ever dreamed of".

The Sheriff graciously ushered me into the Winner's Enclosure so that i could be dragged over the coals by the judge. Why hadn't I paid the $360 filing fee when I had had ample time to pay it? "Because cocaine is expensive bitch" I replied. (In an alternate universe).

"I can pay it right now!" I mumbled; "After all rent is for losers anyway" (OK not the last part).

I go downstairs, have a small apoplectic fit when told I can't use my credit or debit card, it's cash or check only. Let's see; you can track my every move and unpaid filing fee but when it comes to payment you're fucking Amish.

Small crisis with ATM machine which won't dispense cash then changes its mind (and laughs at me behind my back I swear), and back into Hades.

Satan's Attorney starts talking, I'm hearing "Wah wah, wah wah, wah wah". I'm afraid I've been sucked into a Charlie Brown cartoon or that I am taking hallucinogenics. I have palpitations, dry mouth, my legs feel like jello-all the symptoms of LSD but none of the good times...

So the judge says to me something like "Do you agree?" So of course I say no, I strongly disagree. It's the principal. You know. Then she says "Well were you married before?' and I say "Yes"

"Did you get a divorce?"

"No."

"Well that's bigamy."

When I had mentally rehearsed this next part I was Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde, in my mind I said condescendingly "You Honor I'm sure I don't have to remind you of California Family law code Blah Blah Blah", I was wearing a killer suit and I was able to speak in actual sentences.

The thing about fear is that the adrenaline that races through your body gives you an incredible focus and concentration so I didn't even need my notes I just looked at the judge and said (somewhat sullenly)"What about California Family Law section 2201a which states that if you have not seen or heard from your spouse for five years prior to your subsequent marriage the laws of bigamy do not apply?" (thank you, google).

She looked at me, then pulled out the big 'Law telephone book' from under her special throne. It made me wonder what else she had stashed under there, it could be like Mary Poppins' carpet bag; maybe she had a coat rack, a potted plant, a pair of lilac shoes a magic tape measure and....well anyway, she's turning the pages and she says "I don't see anything in here" -the room starts to spin-"Oh wait this is section 2210.....well.....this does seem to......I think we need to look into this further".
I thought I would feel so vindicated but when she said "Let's have a trial, I'm setting aside two hours on January 25th"....I just thought "WTF?"

Onwards and Upwards.

2010-08-11T14:36:00.001-07:00

So I finally got a promotion, now I have my own class of Special Students. I am now the dictator of my own Banana Republic. I'm in charge; what I say, goes.
My classroom is a hideous filthy portable at the back end of a hideous filthy high school in The Back of Beyond. I went to take some cleaning supplies over there as I will be cleaning during my vacation, as well as throwing out random items such as construction cones and confidential medical records pertaining to 15 year old girls and their birth control that have somehow ended up in my room.
When I knocked on the door of the Security Guard's trailer to let him know I was leaving he answered the door naked.
I looked at him and said "I'm leaving now". And then I left.

Healthy passtimes

2010-05-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying I think about food all the time, but if you don't drink do drugs or have sex, what else is there to look forwards to?

BOLLOX

2010-04-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

Unfuckingbelievable. We were broken into AGAIN. This time the thieves made off with a rich haul including my crappy computer, my ancient stereo (it had a cassette player. I'm not lying.), the second hand x-box I got my kids for christmas, and my $50 dvd player.
This being the second time this has happened (refer to blog posting 'what I did last summer') I've had enough. I waited until 11pm for the police officer to actually come over and view my trashed house, then til 1.30am for the evidence dude to show up with his fluffy make-up brush and special fingerprint tape. He told me he got some good prints, which I am pretty sure are from my kids (watch them storm my house and arrest my kids for robbery...) When you live in the murder capital of your state, robberies already comitted are low on the totem pole.
I decided I would move to a better neighborhood until I was informed by the good folks at ADT home alarm systems Who Protect The White House And Fort Knox that I failed the credit check and so could not purchase an alarm system from them.
If I can't pass a credit check for a $30 a month alarm system, obviously I'm not going to pass any rental credit checks.
At this juncture I'm trying to develop some kind of solar-powered vat of boiling oil which would be always ready to drop from my roof onto any intruder.
It just makes sense.

Getting ready for a party.

2010-04-10T17:19:00.000-07:00

This is my philosophy.
Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Anniston who are both Godesses and in my age bracket cannot find a faithful man/any man at all respectively.
I have a heap of smart gorgeous funny female friends with tiny bottoms who are with men much further down the food chain than they are.
SO, all you're getting from me is minimal hygiene, semi-clean clothes, and I'll brush my hair in the car on the way if you're lucky.

A lovely dinner

2010-04-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

I was invited to dinner this past weekend. This was exciting for me; it's a well known fact that I don't get out much. The people who invited me have a gorgeous house, the style is 'Rich European Ecclectic Chateau'. I don't know them very well, but I always get invites when a French speaker is needed, and they had a French houseguest so I scored. We dined on lamb, asparagus, carrots , potatoes, homemade lemon ice cream and strawberries. It was delightful.
I received compliments on my son who made a rare appearance (his girlfriend is out of town for a week so he deigned to join us), of course I couldn't simply accept these compliments because i am British, I had to instead point out his many failings. However I tried to look on the bright side when, after cataloging his misdemeanors I finished with "Well I can't really complain-at least he's not drinking or on drugs".
My hosts' oldest is in rehab.
Which I knew.
I'm pretty sure I salvaged the situation when I distracted them by talking about my student who has MRSA The Super Bug That's Highly Contagious and Resistant to Most Antibiotics and his weeping sores.
Like I said; I don't get out much. Now you know why.

It's all good

2010-03-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

So this morning, in accordance with the 'Hardass Bitch' school of parenting I now fully embrace, I left for work and told my slacker daughter she had to get her late, sleeping-in sorry ass on to the bus and go to school.
May I remind you we live in the murder capital of our state.
I told my son he had to get up and take her to the bus stop.
May I also mention she has Important Testing at school all this week first thing in the morning.
The good thing is I didn't care and I was fine with my actions, so much so that I got to work and immediately got out my car locking it behind me with my purse and keys still in it. Because this is something I do on a regular basis when particularly stressed or tired, I have my own wire coathanger twisted to form a ghetto 'slimjim' in the school supply closet. (Last time a coworker had to drive up to the deli where I was picking up lunch and break into my car with aforementioned wire coathanger in the pouring rain).
I learn from my mistakes though, because I am evolved. After that last experience, I made three copies of my car key and I bought a magnet box which attaches to the underside of your car and contains a spare key for just this very type of occasion.
I was impressed with myself until I retrieved the box, opened it, and discovered I had forgotten to put a spare key in it.
Good thing I have my own wire coathanger in the school supply closet.
She was an hour late to school, missed her test.

Immobility

2010-03-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

Can you get Deep Vein Thrombosis from sitting around in your car for hours and hours waiting for your kids to be done with their neverending parade of activities?

The Day Before Payday

2010-03-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

Creative accounting: paying for coffee and chocolate with my Health Savings Account card "because I use them medicinally to stay functional in my everyday life"....

Priceless.

2010-03-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

Cost of hotel room in the city, in which teenagers will party: $103 (plus possible jail sentence...)
Cost of Justin Fucking Bieber tickets for tween's first concert: $180 (plus near heart attack)
Working 12-14 hours a day so that "my kids can have what the other kids have": DUMB

Older by the minute.

2010-03-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like coming home to one of your children having sex with his girlfriend. Surprise!
So that's why he didn't answer my texts.

Sporty Spice

2010-03-08T22:13:00.000-08:00

I went to Granny aerobics this weekend. There was a different teacher this week; the seventy year old had a pinched nerve, so we had the 400lb teacher instead. Whilst I did not find her inspirational, I did feel like Kate Moss compared to her. In fact I started looking around for my fake tan and one of my assistants with a glass bottle of mineral water...it's so hard to get good help these days...
In the middle of the class the teacher left (to eat a donut?) to teach a different class (how rude!) and told us to "keep going by yourselves, you can do it!"
Let me tell you, I did not get to where I am today by being a self-motivated, self-starting exerciser.
If I could exercise by myself, why would I bother coming to granny water aerobics at 8.30am on a Saturday morning? More to the point, if I keep coming will I, in fact, reach 400lbs?
I didn't get out the pool because everyone else stayed and continued exercising, so I was embarrassed to be the only one to leave. I faked jogging in place ('fake jogging in place' also known as 'floating in place'), and looked around the pool and was amazed to find that while I have been hanging out in the Old and Obese section of the pool, there is a Master's swim class going on right behind me with handsome fit men as far as the eye can see! (Next time I'll wear my glasses to scientifically verify the previous statement).
So I'm assuming that as the pool is a weightless environment, I look pretty hot and I could probably work out in heels-you know, swim pumps...

Spring cleaning/growing

2010-03-02T17:44:00.000-08:00

This weekend there was no work for me at the spa, so my body used the time to be sick and tired with a miserable cold. I woke up on Saturday morning to notice mushrooms growing in the corner of my kitchen; yet another testament to my natural gardening abilities. I took pictures of them, and tried to post them on facebook, but needless to say my technical skills do not match my domestic skills. It took me the whole day to clean up the kitchen, what with being sick, tired, and finding cleaning really boring in general.

Fitness tips

2010-02-01T00:11:00.000-08:00

I went to Granny Water Aerobics yesterday. I've been going for just over a month now, I started with the premise that in order to be the fittest in my age group I had to go somewhere where I would be the only one in my age group.
It's embarrassing getting your butt kicked every week by a bunch of seniors, but whatever.
My elbow had been killing me as I had unwittingly braced myself with it whilst restraining a student a few days ago. There were four of us and one of him, and he is maybe 12 or 13. I laid accross his legs with my full weight and he still managed to move me around, hence the bracing with the elbow thing. (The Granny Aerobics sorted it right out, and it feels fine today). Retard strength is real; I can attest to that and indeed I used some of my own last night when I caught the bouquet at Tony and Tina's wedding and two drunk women tried to snatch it from me. (I picked one of them up off the ground-she was small and old and she shouldn't have tried to steal my fake flowers. She had it coming).

Dude, it's college, seriously.

2010-01-20T23:30:00.000-08:00

SO tomorrow my wayward son starts community college. Of course I am unbelievably grateful for the community college system here in the U.S; it's how I got my B.A, and how a teen with a miserable 2.1 GPA still gets a shot at university, but......'Elementary Japanese' and 'Religion, Magic and Witchcraft'?
I can only assume he's preparing for the Hogwarts Semester Abroad program.

Catwoman.

2010-01-18T23:47:00.000-08:00

A fish, a gerbil, a rabbit; those are pets. A cat on the other hand, is more like a felony-you get 15-20 years for those.

Christian Inspiration

2010-01-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

Given that this is Sunday, I would like to share a spiritual message texted to me recently;

"U r ruining her" [ my daughter's] "future STABILITY as a WOMAN!!!If u continue in ur ways, may GOD punish u accordingly and curse YOU. Clearly ur the abuser."

It's all fun and games until someone gets plagued by locusts.

Saturday Morning

2010-01-16T11:46:00.000-08:00

Why does my garage smell like a cat toilet?
Oh wait, I know why.

The Season of Sharing

2009-12-05T16:09:00.000-08:00

It's hard to get in to the holiday spirit after my cat peed on my new bra.

Tristesse

2009-12-04T23:34:00.000-08:00

The saddest thing I've ever seen is three children (14,12 and 7), standing together, their hands on a coffin, saying their last goodbye to their mum.

What's it all about?

2009-11-27T12:36:00.000-08:00

You know those days when you're being sued for bigamy and fraud, when your mental ex-husband threatens to 'have your head' if you give your daughter the H1N1 vaccine because it's a government mind-control conspiracy, and you're listening to npr on a Power Rangers head transistor radio in your car because your stereo keeps getting ripped off?
Everyone has days like that. But then you find out that the Mum of your daughter's best friend finally lost that battle with cancer and died, leaving behind three young kids and a husband who really loved her, as well as siblings, parents, friends who are all devastated .
Sometimes you have to quit your whining and just get on with it.

Nine lives

2009-11-08T23:37:00.000-08:00

My whole house smells like cat pee.
I don't think I can be a crazy cat lady unless my cats use a litter box instead of the floor, kitchen table, dining room table, my clothes or my bed. I think my cats might be possessed by satan. (Oh no wait; according to my ex husband that would be me). I have come up with the following solutions to my dilemma:
1. Taxidermy. I think this might be expensive though.
2. Getting different cats, telling my kids they are the same cats but they entered the witness protection program so their appearances had to be altered.
3. Getting rid of the cats by dubious, unsavory means and telling my kids "they went to live on a farm in the country".
4 Duct taping maxi-pads onto my cats. I just met a dog yesterday who wears diapers and his owner tells me she uses maxi-pads because they are much cheaper than pet diapers.
5. Bringing my cats into the forest and telling them to go and gather wood and leave a trail of breadcrumbs so that they can find their way back.

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye...brow?

2009-11-06T23:29:00.000-08:00

Last week one of my students plucked out one of their eyebrows and ate it, hair by hair.
Just in case you were wondering.

Good night

2009-09-16T23:53:00.000-07:00

What a day.
Three restraints, three crying kids, two tried to bite me, one tried to stab me with a pen, another tried to slap me. Had to get a tetanus shot last week for some scratches on my hand that were DEEP not as in meaningful but as in painful. Rushed to turn in grad school application, deadline four days ago, rushed to pick up daughter from school. Came home to surprise visit from psycho Dad ( our court date is this Friday), rushed daughter to soccer practice rushed to grocery store brought daughter home went to do two massages came home going to bed too tired to crack any jokes.

Religious connotations

2009-09-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

On the long, silent drive home at 11pm last night, I pondered my relationships with men. I realised that my most succesful and enduring relationships have been with men who are either gay or imaginary.
Then I realised that this effectively makes me a nun.
I am a Plain Clothes Nun. Is that the same as an Undercover Brother?

Cool mom

2009-09-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

Let me just tell you-you're never too old for Middle School Shame. Tonight was my daughter's first dance ever, I took her and her friend and walked them in (past the teacher I insulted via email who I now see on a daily basis) because after sitting through an hour and a half of soccer practice I really needed to pee. Her brother is chaperoning the dance as he does not want any boy within 10 feet of his sister (hey, works for me!) so basically my whole family was present when I got stuck in the toilet.
This week was training week at my school, and we had a presentation on child abuse; I believe it is considered a form of abuse when the parent extensively and repeatedly embarrasses the tween/teen in front of their peers...

School Daze

2009-09-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

First day of middle school for my daughter. Boohoo they grow up so fast etc etc.Unfortunately she has the same teachers that her brother had- I advised her that even though she carries the Name of Shame she can prove that she is not a juvenile delinquent simply by going to class and doing the homework. Yes my son, it really would have been that simple. Last year after being booted out of his fabulous private high school my son ended up at the Worst High School in the country (possibly the world). Due to all the credits he brought with him, he was able to graduate a year early...except that he FAILED English (he was possibly the only native speaker in the school). So then he had to go to summer school, instead of being a camp counselor and hanging out with college chicks all summer long. He was grounded, obviously, so he told me there were after-school workshops he was attending, like the 9 hour poetry workshop that ran til 8pm...hmmm. Busted, he then tried to cut class to hang out with his friends. I stormed the school SS style, scared the teachers, my son got busted AGAIN, and I kicked him out of the house. He spent his summer living with a Mexican family who loved him, and hitting up his private school friends on the weekends, swimming in their pools, playing basketball on their basketball courts, and then on Mondays being driven to school by his friends in their hybrid vehicles that I could never afford. It wasn't quite the mean streets life lesson I was hoping for, but he passed his class and graduated from high school so I suppose that's the main thing right?
Anyway, I took my daughter to school this morning and you know when you see that teacher that you sent that email to when you were really tired and pissed off and it was quite long and said things like if you don't like teaching maybe you should get another job and if sarcasm and condescension are such great teaching tools maybe I should incorporate them into my own teaching and a bunch of other stuff that you can't quite remember and you realize she's still your kid's teacher and you have to smile at her and say good morning?
Me neither.

The saga continues...

2009-08-21T23:54:00.000-07:00

Let me just say; it's hard to focus on cleaning when there are so many important and pressing things that need to be done.
Even though my daughter is covered from head to toe in itchy, painful fleabites, I have priorities. For example, scouring Youtube for videos of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and pondering the break up of his ten year marriage to Dany Garcia has taken up the last two hours alone. Going through everyone's vacation photos on facebook was also quite time consuming, finding the right witty commment accompanied by the correct punctuation...my life is full; my cup overflows, and seriously, why did they break up?-they seemed so happy together.

The Odyssey

2009-08-19T00:32:00.000-07:00

As I inched home today (an hour and a half in traffic), in complete silence ( my car stereo was ripped out of my car on saturday night apparently by a small dinosaur or a large wild animal), I had plenty of time to reflect upon the massive Flea Circus that has taken over my house. My cats who were supposed to be my steadfast companions have turned out to be quite dissapointing. They get sick-who knew?- and it costs more to take them to the vet than it does to take my uninsured kids to the doctor. They pee in my bed whenever they get the opportunity. They drag in lizards and parts of birds when I don't give them wet food for a few days. They shit in the litter box and the whole house reeks and now they have brought fleas in, fleas that eat my daughter's legs and belly and make her look like a leper. Extensive research tells me the only way to be rid of the fleas is to clean my house. Heavy sigh. The words I have always lived by; "Housework never killed anyone but why take the risk?" cannot save me. And so begins the epic saga.

What I did this summer, by me.

2009-08-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

After three or four quite tedious chocolate/ice cream-themed posts, it's time to record for posterity the highlights of my eventful summer...so far.
I think I'll just say this; Juveniledelinquent/homelessteen
/campdrama/swineflu/bigamy charge
/flight risk/burglary/policeshame
/lostintranslation/brassdoorknobinpants
/ ovariancysts/coloninfection/passing out in Dr's office.
I think that's pretty self-explanatory really.

Dinner is served.

2009-05-08T23:40:00.001-07:00

So obviously there seems to be a chocolate/ice cream for dinner theme running through this blog. Well just to totally throw you off (both of you), I had cheez-its for dinner. So there.

Make an appointment won't you

2009-04-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like a Katy Perry song. Yes I'm up then I'm down-you know. Whatever. I have a paper to write, I don't have time to sit here chewing the cud with you. I think I'll eat chocolate and then go to bed. That sounds like good plan that will advance my overall life goals quite nicely thank you.

Raindrops on noses and whiskers on kittens

2009-04-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

Today I had the inside of my nose waxed, one nostril at a time.
Why?
Why not? I say. It wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be, and when my nostril was plugged up with wax it looked like the nastiest, crustiest snot you ever saw. When the wax was pulled out it looked like a tiny waxy hedgehog.
Tomorrow is Easter sunday and I'm so sick of both my kids that I think I'm going to go and eat all the chocolate I bought for them because they really don't deserve it.
That sounds like an excellent plan; I will waste no more chocolate eating time here.

Another day...

2009-04-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

My cats drink my bath water. I choose to think this is because they love and adore me ( not because there are unidentified foreign objects floating in their water dish).
Clutching at straws is both valuable and necessary in these crappy times. Today I had a twelve hour work day, which I began completely exhausted. Needless to say, I finished it even more exhausted and then got to listen to rude harrassing messages from friends and family about how I never pick up the phone.
Let me tell you what I was doing when you called:
a) Getting slapped in the chest (hard)by L, the spitting ninja.
b)Writing a detailed teaching plan the goal of which was to have C participate in any activity for a period of 6 minutes before attacking somebody
c) Explaining the concept of dating to a 14 year old with severe autism. ( Like I know)
d) Doing a massage on a person with extreme gas, and being trapped in the greenish haze of stank for an hour.
Of course that's not all I did today, I'm just covering what I was doing when you were calling leaving me rude messages. After all that, I went to the store and ate a tasty dinner of easter chocolate.

Happy Anniversary Darling!

2009-04-04T00:47:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been a year since I started this pathetic, whiny blog. To my three loyal readers I say 'Thank you !' and " Yes we can!" (?).

Report Card

2009-03-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

I'm so sick of you
I want to drill into your teenage head
And put some sense in there
For a change
Your three Fs and a D
Obviously you're trying to kill me
But luckily
For me
You know everything
About everything
And I
Am just
Chopped liver.

A stitch in time saves nine

2009-03-03T21:21:00.000-08:00

There's a new sherriff in town.
OK not really; it's still Sherriff Haagen Daz, but there's a new flavor.
A pint of 'five' (ice cream made with only five ingredients) brown sugar flavor, is just the job after one of those days like today when your car begins to smoke profusely as you drive to work, forcing you to pull over and jump out because you think it's about to burst into flames, then you call the tow truck which tows it to the shop who tells you it's no big deal then calls you back to say sorry actually you need a new radiator and do you really want us to fix it because your car is really old and it has 220,000 miles on it and wouldn't you rather look for a new vehicle and you're like well yes but no because I can't afford it so go ahead and fix it and they're like ok and then when you pick it up they show you all the knackered old parts they had to pull off it and they give you the bill and it's $800 and you're like totally fucked.
(Sometimes ice cream is not enough; you need see's candy too).

Free willy

2009-02-26T23:51:00.000-08:00

We have a kid in our classroom who's a ninja.
I'm not even kidding-he's stealthy, silent, and he can escape and steal things right in front of a staff of five undetected. Last week in the game room he pulled a family-sized bottle of mustard out of his crotch that he had stolen from our fridge in the classroom possibly hours before. ( And he was wearing skinny jeans. Don't ask, because I just don't know.) Another time one of the staff ordered a pizza and when it arrived he couldn't find his $15. Eventually L pulled $5 out of his armpit, and we discovered he had torn the $10 into tiny tiny pieces and thrown it in the trash-and we had all been sitting right there the whole time.
I did wonder if L in fact possesed a cloak of invisibility. I kept that theory to myself.
One morning he came to school with random pairs of boxer shorts secreted about his person. When he started pulling them out, T, who lives in the same group home as L, said " Hey that's my chonies!"
Yesterday, S accompanied L to the bathroom, but didn't watch L close enough (probably because S's girlfriend works in the classroom next to the bathrooms). When L came out, he had shredded his boxer shorts and was wearing them over his jeans like a grass skirt. ( We made L dance the hula when he came back to class).
Today we thought we saw him steal something-we saw the hand go into the crotch, the hiding place of choice. Staff members B and S stood over him and said "L! Take it out! Take it out right now!" L covered his face and shrieked like a girl. This is completely typical for him.
"L-take it out RIGHT NOW!" said B. She already had gloves on because trust me, once it's been down there you don't want to touch it.
Well all I'll say is this. L did eventually get 'it' out, B and S got a good look at it, and sadly he hadn't actually stolen anything.

Happy Birthday Charles

2009-02-23T00:21:00.000-08:00

What the hell am I doing in a country where 50% of the population doesn't believe in evolution? Is this a reflection on how skewed and unreliable statistics are, or is this really the land of the intellectually-impaired?

Those who can't, teach

2009-02-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

The school where I work is Special.
A couple of weeks ago I was going back to class and my classroom teacher was walking towards me with one of our students, C. When i passed by them in the hallway C grabbed me by the throat and tried to punch me in the face. Actually his fist made contact with my face but it didn't really hurt ( he didn't have his full force behind it).
Today I spent two hours barricading the door of our classroom with my foot and my body, trying to keep a raging C outside in the hallway with another staff member, as other members of our classroom team kept the classroom going as if nothing was happening. C attacked three staff members today, the first one just minutes after getting off the big yellow bus this morning. Another one of our kids, T, had a melt down, threw his desk over and had to be proned on the floor by three staff. ( This is why our staff ratios are so high). After going to the break area he banged the wall, spat and swore like a drunk,mad sailor. "You fuckin fat ass bitch n*****" ad nauseum.
Earlier I helped a 26 year old teacher from another classroom prone an eight year old boy with blue eyes, sandy hair and the face of an angel who told us " I'm gonna fuck you up you fuckin bitches" while trying to head butt, kick, and spit at both of us in turn. When we got him down to the ground, he banged his head and started to cry, like the child that he really is. It made me sad.
Then I found out he told everyone he'd been proned by two old ladies-dude I'm the same age as LL Cool J or Demi Moore-and the other teacher is only 26!
(Actually I still feel kind of sad for him, truth be told).
I can't help thinking that a job like this should pay enough to live on, so that i'd only need the one job instead of the four, so that I wouldn't have to go from a day like that to doing massages at the spa when my foot is aching from being wedged against the classroom door resisting a 200lb 19 year old male with MR (mental retardation) who is trying to attack me.

Valentines Day Massacre

2009-02-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

I worked at the spa on valetine's day, couples massage, chocolate dipped strawberries, sparkling apple cider, rose petals on the massage tables blah blah blah. Some women came in by themselves, their husbands/boyfriends having bought them a gift of spa treatments. We were pretty busy, overbooked actually, and our receptionist was not doing the greatest job keeping track of the clients. She approached a white-haired lady with strawberries and chocolate and said "Happy valentine's day, this is from your husband he called and ordered this especially for you because he wants your day to be really special". The lady looked extremely surprised, scared even. " How nice" she stammered, "My husband died two years ago".
Messages from beyond the grave are all part of the service ma'am.

Warm heart

2009-02-09T22:40:00.000-08:00

Something that makes me happy (for a change) is the trip-hop station at pandora.com. Thanks Paula!
When I was teaching my arts and crafts class to The Old People today, Margo came up to me and took my hands "Thank you so much for the class dear" she said.
" You're welcome Margo- Margo your hands are so cold!" I exclaimed.
She is a diminutive and sweet old lady of 85. " Well you know what they say", she replied;
"Cold hands, cold feet, hot pussy!"

Happy New Year

2009-02-07T23:39:00.001-08:00

It's been a long time since I posted anything., due to the economy.
(Actually, due to the fact that I didn't have a computer which really slows you down when you're trying to be a blogger.)
In any case, life goes on sadly.

Party animal

2008-09-27T23:56:00.000-07:00

So I went to a party last night, (squeezing it in between jobs)for a friend of mine who is getting an award of recognition from the Federation of American Scientists, as well as some prize in Tokyo for "researchers who make a particularly significant contribution to problems faced by cities", (previous winner Paul Krugman), and he was also part of a symposium held by the FAS at UC Berkeley on thursday.

What a loser.

Seriously, when I hear 'Phd in Chemistry from Princeton', I of course think 'slacker who went to a party school to get drunk and meet chicks'-right? I think they just invited me to elevate the tone of the event. Their friends weren't that bright either.

When I got home, I found that the cats had dragged one of my favorite socks into the litter box (to serve as a shit blanket?), and that the reason I couldn't wash the smell of blue cheese off my hands was that the blue cheese had fallen down my cleavage and was lodged in my bra. I decided not to wash, but instead to go to work today smelling of eau de fromage just to serve everyone right who can afford to get a massage.

Yes, this is the mature work ethic that got me where I am today, in case you were wondering.

Thanks but no thanks

2008-09-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

You know how the mutant father of your child who's forty years old and lives with his mother and doesn't work or own a car or a driver's licence because of all those DUIs turns around and tells you that you should learn to live within a budget like him and that you don't know how to manage your money, and you're working four jobs to make ends meet?

Me neither.

support your local library

2008-08-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

I went and joined my local library today, just so that I could get the final book in the series of teenage vampire novels I have been reading.

You know you're in the ghetto when the biggest section in the library is automotive manuals.

In spanish.

I found the teen literature section and my book was not there. The librarian told me they didn't have it yet, even though the book came out three weeks ago.

I'm tempted to do what I did with the third book, which was to buy it from Target and then return it the next day after i finished it. ( I really don't need to own the evidence that i spend my spare time reading teenage vampire romance novels).

The second book I read in Barnes and Nobles, and the first one I actually bought on amazon for $6, and then suffered constant ridicule FOR DAYS from my teenage son who had a lot of feedback about my age versus my reading habits.

Today one of the cats peed on my bed, which only added to my deep-rooted conviction that everyone, domestic animal and teenager alike, is conspiring against me.

Indian Giver

2008-08-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

Periodically ( i.e, related to my period), I think about moving to India.

I would live in a beautiful open house, I would have servants to do my laundry, cook and clean for me and I would lead a graceful, gracious life. How would I support myself? That's a little more hazy, but given that most American jobs have been outsourced to India I could probably get one of those jobs answering the phone for Lands End or LLBean.

My life would be fabulous and I would eat delicious Indian food everyday that would be prepared for me by my servants who would rip me off behind my back because I'm a westerner but I wouldn't care because my life would still be so cheap. I could have loads of animals and my house would never smell like shit because my servants would take care of it. I could have tons of plants and they would all stay alive because my servants would water them.

I could single-handedly bring back the empire all over again.

Philosophical reflections

2008-08-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the Road Less Travelled seems too far off the beaten path. Sometimes the Road That Leads Straight Into A Pile Of Shit just feels like the right choice for me.

My life as a TV show...

2008-08-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

I'm watching a re-run of 'Will and Grace' and I'm so struck by how similar my life is to Grace's. I love that show.

Of course, I'm really fat, have two kids, unsuccessful, broke, old, on my way to Crazy Cat Lady status, and all my gay BFFs are either dead or in longterm committed relationships and living in homes they own... but apart from that the resemblance is absolutely amazing.

Another day at the office...

2008-08-07T00:31:00.000-07:00

So my day went like this.

I was practicing job interviews with one of my students;

" Why do you want to work here S?"

"Homer Simpson ate a doughnut"

" How much is a cd?"

"$19,000"

"How much do you want to make a week S?"

"$2"- he seemed pretty ready for the workforce. In the meantime, out of the blue, T ran over to our p.e equipment, grabbed two hard plastic baseball bats and then sprinted over to another student and started beating him windmill-style, before we even had a chance to cross the room and drag him off. Simultaneously, D started ripping the clothes off his body (he eventually went home to the group home wearing only the collar of his tee shirt and pants with one of the pockets torn off).

Actually I saw J tear up his jacket with his teeth on the yard today; he has strong teeth. J's not one of my students but if he is also being groomed for work I think they should train him to pull semi trucks with his teeth and put him up for The Guinness Book of World Records. I think that's just as realistic as having S work in a music store.

So back in the classroom T2 had a tantrum and tried to bite two staff who were trying to make him sit down in his seat.

M was sitting at his desk eating play doh and boogers, he dug in his nose until it was bleeding pretty badly, then he wiped his nose and face with his hand, smearing blood over his whole face and making it look like he had just been in a car wreck.

At this point I can't even remember what our other students were doing, then I was in the bathroom washing M so I missed a chunk of drama while I was out of the classroom.

Luckily for me, I need to work somewhere where there is a high insanity quotient, and obviously this school fits the bill pretty well. If only it paid the bills pretty well.

Cat Lady

2008-07-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

When women are single and reach a certain age, and feel lonely and unsatisfied with their lives, they get cats.

This is a universal law known to everyone in the Industrialized West, so in keeping with my new and improved law-abiding persona I recently acquired two kittens from the Crazy Cat Lady on my block.

When I was in her house/litter box, overwhelmed by the five adult cats, random small dog and the five to ten kittens she has at any given time, I enthusiastically told her " This is great; this is what my life is going to be like when my children leave home!" -because I'm trying to embrace my destiny.

I was not allowed to choose the kittens, she assigned them to me saying " I guess I could let you have these two.." so in spite of the fact that I only wanted one cat, I came away with two which is OK because I'm obviously heading down that road anyway, so I may as well start as I mean to go on.

As substitutes for other humans in your life I have to say kittens don't contribute to rent or bills and they can't drive or pick up your kids from anywhere, they can't even take a message for you or empty the dishwasher, but this could be because they are babies, I don't know what adult cats are capable of.

As for affection, they jump out of the litter box, run and jump onto my bed, walk accross my forehead leaving grey paw prints and then try to lick the snot out of my nose-at 6am, because they are hungry. From what I can gather, this seems to be exactly like marriage.

My teenage son loves our kittens because, like him, they sleep all day and then party all night. My daughter loves them because they are 'so cute'.

The kittens work for me because now that I have four jobs and I'm gone all the time and my life sucks just as much as when I had NO job, I feel slightly less guilty about leaving my kids on their own, and on the rare day when I don't have to be somewhere at 8am and I don't want to get out of bed at all, ever again, that snot licking actually gets me moving.

Miss Popularity

2008-06-30T02:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the miracle that is Facebook, I've been tracking down some of my fabulous friends from Before. I don't know why, I'm no longer a player in that league, having embraced whole-heartedly the Obese White Trash lifestyle of my adopted country, but I guess I still yearn for the old days in Paris, London and New York.

So I found an old friend of mine, an aspiring writer when I knew him sixteen years ago. He lives in New York now, he's on facebook; a glamorous black and white photo of him looking not a day older than the last time I saw him, first name and last, it was definitely him. I send a 'friend request' and...much to my surprise, I do not hear back from him. There are many reasons why this might be, I tell myself. Maybe he's on assignment somewhere where there is no internet ( where is that exactly?) Maybe he doesn't check his facebook very often/ever ( ok but facebook sends you an email every time someone sends you a message and who doesn't check their emails?) Maybe the dog ate his homework and the check is in the mail. Maybe he's married now and his wife is insanely jealous because he's secretly in love with me, or maybe, ( and this one seems by far the most likely) he's just too intimidated by my phenomenal success to get in touch with me.

New Job

2008-06-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm working at the extra-special school with the extra-special kids who have extra-special needs, I end up being extra-specially damn tired at the end of the day. Working with the developmentally disabled kids is hard, but not as hard as working with the 'emotionaly disturbed' kids who have nothing technically wrong with them except their whole lives so they are all one step away from Juvie, in fact most of them are in and out of the legal system and the school, sporting their ankle bracelets like badges of honor, and their parole officers make surprise visits to the school frequently.

Life is full of choices; the girl who poops in her hand or the boy who tazered an eighty year old woman in order to steal her purse?

I love my family

2008-06-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

Do you have relatives who come and stay with you who are super-sensitive and very easily offended and who constantly make jokes at your expense?

Me neither.

One step forward...

2008-05-19T00:51:00.000-07:00

Now that I have reluctantly rejoined the workforce, I must impress upon my non-existent readers that from here on out any resemblance of anyone I mention to any real person living or deceased is purely coincidental.

I am also, once again, legal in this country, so I can't go around telling people I came accross the border ( from Europe) in the trunk of a car. Speaking of cars, now that other issues like legal status and employment have been resolved, it's time for me to start paying off those parking tickets ( yes, all $3,000-worth), get some insurance, get my licence reinstated, and get my own sticker to replace my friend's that I glued on to my licence plate when she got her 2009 sticker.

Aah, the anonimity of the blogisphere...

clarification

2008-04-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

They say that when you're at the bottom the only place to go is up.

But what are the guidelines as to how long you have to be at the bottom?

I feel like I've done my time.

what time of the month is it?

2008-04-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

I went to the store sunday night at midnight and came away with coffee ice cream, chocolate hazelnut gelato, chocolate raspberry milanos, chocolate covered cream puffs, sour cream and onion chips, tangy tomato ranch chips, salty peanuts, onion and three cheese chips.....oh and half a gallon of 1% milk. Try making a lunch out of that.

If you see any woman with a salty/sweet themed shopping cart at midnight, wasting her money on pms snacks instead of nutritious food for her kids, steer clear of her; make no sudden movements, just back away quietly and noone will get hurt.

Today is earthday, I'm sitting here watching marathons of shows full of gorgeous enviromentally friendly products that I can't possibly afford (especially after spending all my money on sweet and salty midnight snacks)-like A NEW CAR! Somebody give me a hybrid SUV for god's sake...or just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Brave New World

2008-04-20T02:27:00.000-07:00

Wow I have spent $70 on gas this week-much more than on food for me and the kids- and I didn't even go anywhere far or unusual. Of course my car is old and incredibly inefficient and I can't afford to buy a more fuel efficient vehicle which is why, as usual, the poor pay the biggest price when there are fuel/food crises.

("Blah blah blah enough with the travails of the poor already you bloody Marxist!")

Fight the power...

2008-04-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

Today is tax day, an important day for those with incomes; not something I have to worry my pretty little head about. My main concern at the moment is paying off $200 of bank fees, overdraft charges of $34 a piece for things like $2.80 worth of thread that I bought in my quest to make everything myself and not participate in the market economy. It turns out I could have bought napkins and tablecloths for the same ammount it ended up costing me to make them, courtesy of Wells Fargo, who can shove their stage coach right up their collective asses actually. When I spoke to John Who Was Happy To Assist Me Today, he apologized that I felt the way that I did ( i.e that the overdraft fees are a predatory practice targeting the poor who pay John's and everyone else's salary and that the bank builds its profits on the backs of the poor and that those $200 should have been food for me and my kids and not lining the corporate pockets of the already outrageously rich), however as it is my responsability to keep track of my expenses, he couldn't help me. But how about some overdraft protection? Yes please, will it stop me from unsafe overdraft sex/pregnancy? I told John that if I had any money I would have put it in my checking account so as not to become overdrawn, rather than into some other special account that Wells Fargo could charge me more fees for each time they transferred money into my checking account to cover my overdraft- I know call me crazy.

The banks just want to help us out people-you all know that. Look at the whole sub-prime mortgage debacle; kind banks giving people mortgages who didn't really have enough to pay them,then betting on the outcome and selling the loans to ANYONE at all ANYWHERE in the world-who else is nice enough to lend you money they know you can't pay back? Oh yeah...the MAFIA.

Star wars

2008-04-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

I went to see Carrie Fisher's 'Wishful Drinking' the other night; she was awesome. There's a girl who knows how to work her dysfunction all the way to the bank baby. It highlights yet again the lame cards I was dealt when I was born ( because it is all about me after all). If my parents had been America's sweethearts, completely self-centred and alcoholic, and if I had been lucky enough to be bipolar ( the pilates of mental illness) , then obviously I would have been up on that stage raking in the money instead of sitting here in the middle of the day knitting steering wheel covers because I have no life.

I could have been Princess Leia you know.

joys of parenting@#!

2008-03-31T01:17:00.000-07:00

Lots of people have blogs about the joys of parenting. That's because their kids are really young and still listen to their parents and parenting is still fun. The biggest preoccupations are 'my child is walking already but I still haven't overscheduled him with stimulating math/art/sports/brain development classes-am I a complete failure as a parent?' or 'my four year old was exposed to Hannah Montana at a friend's house-is she scarred for life?' or 'does my two year old have enough playdates?' or, my personal favorite, 'my three year old can't write his name, I think he must be autistic'.

What is WRONG with you people?! I'm from the country that invented child labor and your kids should all be crawling up chimneys or down coal mines or working with sulphur in match factories, not being pressured into reading and writing before they are cognitively ready!

I'm here to represent the parents of 16 year olds who have piercings, get drunk and want tattoos. This is the blog that noone who is busy showing Baby Einstein videos to an inanimate drooling blob of early humanity wants to read; I for one certainly never expected to be the jaded, cynical, snarling sarcastic mother of a teen. (I pretty much knew I would be jaded,cynical, snarling and sarcastic, for some reason it just never occured to me that my darling drooling inanimate blob of early humanity would grow up into a jaded, cynical, snarling sarcastic teen. It's his bad attitude that's the problem-where does it come from?.) If you have young children, stay away from this blog.

whatever

2008-03-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

Everyone's been through this I know. You're broke, unemployed, stuck at home, nothing to do, living in the murder capital of your state and you start googling the friends you had when you were in your twenties. They're succesful, rich, going to film premiers with Cate Blanchett, receiving awards for the best new art and culture magazine in Berlin, writing opinion pieces for the Times of London, running art therapy retreat centers in the beautiful English countryside, starring in 'Rome' on HBO.

You share their joy.