Days of Our Lives

So It's Saturday night, jut me, the cats, some cake, and the only working channel on my TV this evening is Saturday Night Football.
What exactly are you implying?

General Hospital

You might think that there's nothing funny about going to the ER in an ambulance in a semi-conscious state. Well, you might be right.
I actually called the ambulance myself, barely able to form words but also not able to second guess myself either, as I was in great pain. By the time the paramedics arrived I was no longer able to talk, although I could hear most of what was going on. My daughter answered all the questions including "Is your mom kind of over dramatic?", to which I took great offense, even in my reduced mental state, as it takes a talented hypochondriac indeed to turn green, clammy, nonresponsive and lower one's bloodpressure into the forties. Things were a blur but somehow a team of mules got me on to the guerney and into the ambulance. The only coherent thing I said was to ask where my daughter was; she was riding in the ambulance with the driver. I was unaware until much later in the day that I had become a human pin cushion. Both my hands had tubes, my arm also, my nose had the oxygen tubes like on tv; it was the kind of drama I would have appreciated had I not been practically unconscious. I had been so hot, but when we got to the hospital I was so cold, a woman came to take my blood but couldn't find a vein because I was so cold my blood was trying to stay deep and stay warm.
So my daughter was trying to reach my son, to tell him what's going on and have him come to the hospital. At some point he did in fact show up, I remember him crying and hugging me as i lay in a pool of my own vomit on the hospital bed. I think the first dose of morphine was starting to kick in by then. What the hell? I've never been so sick, it was ridiculous. The most ridiculous part of the whole experience was the hospital staff deciding I was actually fine and I should go home. The second dose of morphine had burned horribly as it went in through my hand but at least I could talk; a nurse came in and said "Oh you're still here?" , to which I replied
"I can't sit up by myself" she said,
"I'll get you a wheelchair, we need the room" and then I was out, done with my high drama hospital experience. My son drove me home and went to get my perscription vicodin. My daughter and I made him buy maxi pads for us, just because we could. When I found out he had, in fact, been home the entire time and had slept through the fire department, ambulance, paramedics, guerney etc, I certainly did not feel bad about his Lady Products Trauma.

My day in court

Dragged back to court again by unemployed ex with way too much time on his hands. This time he's suing me for bigamy and fraud. Just another day in my world of naked security guards and students who want to poison me. (That's a story for another day).

I barely make it to the courthouse on time, then I am brutally ejected (not really actually that's a gross exaggeration of the facts) for having a camera in my bag. I have to take the camera back to my car and I had had to park five miles from the courthouse (um, more exaggeration) because of course there was no parking by the time I got there. When I finally get into court I look around for the Spawn of Beelzebub and Satan's Attorney and I don't see them so I think I'm good, but actually they were already before the judge and she was saying something along the lines of "Well if she's not here you can have everything you've ever dreamed of".

The Sheriff graciously ushered me into the Winner's Enclosure so that i could be dragged over the coals by the judge. Why hadn't I paid the $360 filing fee when I had had ample time to pay it? "Because cocaine is expensive bitch" I replied. (In an alternate universe).

"I can pay it right now!" I mumbled; "After all rent is for losers anyway" (OK not the last part).

I go downstairs, have a small apoplectic fit when told I can't use my credit or debit card, it's cash or check only. Let's see; you can track my every move and unpaid filing fee but when it comes to payment you're fucking Amish.

Small crisis with ATM machine which won't dispense cash then changes its mind (and laughs at me behind my back I swear), and back into Hades.

Satan's Attorney starts talking, I'm hearing "Wah wah, wah wah, wah wah". I'm afraid I've been sucked into a Charlie Brown cartoon or that I am taking hallucinogenics. I have palpitations, dry mouth, my legs feel like jello-all the symptoms of LSD but none of the good times...

So the judge says to me something like "Do you agree?" So of course I say "No, I strongly disagree." It's the principal. You know. Then she says "Well were you married before?' and I say "Yes"

"Did you get a divorce?"

"No."

"Well that's bigamy."

When I had mentally rehearsed this next part I was Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde, in my mind I said condescendingly "You Honor I'm sure I don't have to remind you of California Family law code Blah Blah Blah", I was wearing a killer suit and I was able to speak in actual sentences.

The thing about fear is that the adrenaline that races through your body gives you an incredible focus and concentration so I didn't even need my notes I just looked at the judge and said (somewhat sullenly)"What about California Family Law section 2201a which states that if you have not seen or heard from your spouse for five years prior to your subsequent marriage the laws of bigamy do not apply?" (thank you, google).

She looked at me, then pulled out the big 'Law telephone book' from under her special throne. It made me wonder what else she had stashed under there, it could be like Mary Poppins' carpet bag; maybe she had a coat rack, a potted plant, a pair of lilac shoes a magic tape measure and....well anyway, she's turning the pages and she says "I don't see anything in here" -the room starts to spin-"Oh wait this is section 2210.....well.....this does seem to......I think we need to look into this further".
I thought I would feel so vindicated but when she said "Let's have a trial, I'm setting aside two hours on January 25th"....I just thought "WTF?"